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"As I sit here, I look around the room, a festive Christmas tree decorated one corner of the living room, lights twinkle in every window, and a decorative candle adorned the coffee table ... so why am I feeling so blue right now?Maybe it's because up until a few years ago, we'd spend Christmas here at home, with a house full of people, children's laughter, great food, homemade candy, a variety of gifts, and the harmonious sounds of Christmas carols, serenading through the air.I know that life goes on children grow into adults, and start families of their own. Nowadays we'd travel to see them, during the holidays, and make new memories.This year's different, because I myself cannot travel to see them. Although my mind says yes, my body, with its numerous health problems says no. I just want to ignore things and yell, "Baahumbug," and enjoy the joyous season anyways.I put my head in my hands and whispered, "You know what I want for Christmas? I want someone special, just for me, to help. Debbie and Dolly were soon to become my permanent guest hosts.Wednesday was a tough day. For everyone. After I'd struggled through my eggnog recipes, I finally left the studio and walked toward the River. It was cold, but at least it had been a dry week so far. There was a bit of sun and when I reached the gravel path, I took off my shoes, even though I was going to freeze my toes off. This was Lexi's birthday. She would have been twenty years old.Last February, when Denise would have been twenty-one, I was so overwhelmed by my rage that I broke a railroad tie. I hadn't noticed any flaws in the tie in the two years that I'd been beating on it, but obviously it must have had a weak spot. I certainly couldn't break a railroad tie with my fist. That was just stupid.But as I walked on the gravel path toward Lexi's final resting place, I was a lot calmer than I'd been nearly a year ago. I was ... more mature? I don't know. I didn't feel bottled up. My rage—my anger—that I'd felt for four.
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